Maybe the Best Joke Ever

A guy is walking down the beach and stumbles upon a lamp. He picks it up and dusts it off, and as one would expect, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You have freed me from the lamp, so I will grant you one wish from among two choices. I will give you superior intelligence, or I will give you an endless supply of money. Choose wisely."
The man thinks for a moment, then says, "I choose superior intelligence."
Poof! The genie is gone.
The man sighs, then says, "I should have taken the money."

The rest of 2011...

By September 2011, it had become clear that Dorothy and I needed to do something about our living arrangements. Allow me to explain. About 20 years ago, there were some ethical shenanigans going on in the Ohio legislature, and those led to some changes to the law. There have been a few tweaks since, and where we are today is here: lobbyists are allowed to spend $50 per year on food and drinks on behalf of any individual legislator; there is a $25 gift limit; and essentially, lobbyists cannot give anything of value to a legislator. I have been a lobbyist for many years, but now Dorothy was a legislator, and this really interfered with our routines. We met with the agency in charge of enforcing the legislative ethics laws, and the bottom line was that the gift and food/drink limits applied, and furthermore, Dorothy would have to write me a check for rent anytime she spent the night at my place. If we went to dinner, we had to go Dutch. If we were to travel more than 50 miles, we would have to take her car - it's alright for the legislator to give the lobbyist something of value, but not the other way around. As you might imagine, this did not sit well with her, but I had some fun with it. We were already engaged, and we were planning to get married in 2012. Her appointment induced us to move the date up, and on October 26, 2011, we were married in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. This also led us to get cracking on the house plans we had been working on, and we put our respective properties up for sale in early 2012. More on that later. For the rest of the year, we worked on wills, a trust, house plans, and packing up for an eventual move to a rental house, where we would live until our new house was built. The clearing at Wyndanwood continued, and I am forever grateful to my buddy Doug Peabody for all of his help with the clearing. The other significant event of 2011 was that, after a few months on the new job, Dorothy decided that she could be a good legislator or a good attorney, but she didn't have time to be good at both. So in December 2011, she shut down her law practice. This was a major decision, and one that came with a financial cost, but it was the right decision. She is fully focused on her job as a legislator, and that is only fair to the people she represents.

I'll Still Be 2 Months Behind After This Post

Today is November 4, 2013. I started this post about 2 years ago...so I'll publish it now and catch up shortly!


Hard to believe that four months have passed since my last post. I'll take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy new year.

This seems like a good time to fill in the blanks for 2011, at least through October. It'll take another post to compete the year, which was stellar in so many respects.

If you've been keeping up. you might remember the enactment of House Bill 95 last spring. On July 26, I was presented the President's Club award from my CEO at our annual leadership dinner for my work on the legislation.

The curved piece of glass to the left was the other President's Award that I received in 1999. I'd sure like to get one more before I retire...

Dorothy and I traveled to Cocoa Beach, Florida for some R&R in early July. We both had had a very busy first half of the year, and we just wanted to unwind. So we flew down and enjoyed the weather and that wonderful feeling of having no agenda at all. I like Cocoa Beach because it's not as crowded as other parts of the Florida coast, and you can take a gallon of moonshine to the beach if you are so inclined.

While we were there, one of the members of the Ohio House of Representatives was appointed to fill a vacancy in the Ohio Senate. It just so happened that this was in the 83rd House District, where Dorothy lives. We had talked about this possibility a few weeks earlier, and when we got the news, we went straight to work on Dorothy's application for the House vacancy. It happened that her interview for the appointment was on July 27, the day after the leadership dinner. She must have knocked their socks off in the interview, because a little after 6 PM on the day she interviewed, she got the call - she had won the appointment. That made for two very good days in July, and I was happy to hold the Bible as Dorothy took the oath of office on July 28.

Next on the agenda was a trip to New Orleans in early August with Dorothy. This was for a legislative conference, and why anyone would have a conference in New Orleans in August is beyond me. It is oppressively hot, the air is always thick, and the streets have an unpleasant smell. But other than that, it's great. We tried to spend some time at one of the cemeteries, but we only lasted about 15 minutes - we just couldn't take the sun.

My Euroschlepper daughter Natalie was home for a visit in July and August, and I was able to take her to the next conference, this one in San Antonio. It's very hot in San Antonio in August - it was over 100 degrees every day we were there - but it is much more comfortable than New Orleans. We remembered to see the Alamo.


Back in Ohio, I decided it was time to start cleaning up some of the brush and invasive plants at Wyndanwood. I hired a friend to do most of the work, because I don't have enough time to keep up with it. The amount of work he has done out there is mind-boggling. Over the course of a couple months, he managed to clean up about 2000 feet around the edge of the woods, into a depth of about 30 feet. The change is hard to explain, but the woods look absolutely beautiful. We've rented a wood chipper three times already, and we'll need to rent it at least one more time to finish off the job.

Travel

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
- St. Augustine

I've been to 20-some countries and 42 US states. Although my desire to see the world has diminished somewhat - only because I really like being home - I still appreciate the things that can be learned from experiencing new countries and cultures. A trip to Costa Rica about 6 years ago reminded me of how good we have it here. Costa Rica is a country blessed with a warm climate, lots of rain, beaches and mountains. It is also a country that is beset by crime and low wages. One could be perfectly happy there because the climate is agreeable (except during the summer months, but I could say the same about Ohio), housing and food costs are relatively low, and you can fish anywhere and anytime you like. But there are bars in the windows, and it was for good reason that the rental car agent told us to be sure to lock the car, even if we were only going to be away from it for one minute.

Economic well-being is only one facet of a complacent life, but the reality is that where there is poverty, there is crime. Theft is essentially accepted in some places. Jealousy and envy are powerful motivators.

Much of my foreign travel has been to the European continent, where things are stable and predictable. Canada is much the same way. Mexico, on the other hand, is beautiful but with a curse: everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE - is trying to separate you from your money. That might also be the case in Europe and the US, but the attempt to fleece you is not so blatant. And I can walk down the sidewalk in any city in the US (except Las Vegas) without people trying blatantly to rip me off.

I'd love to see the pyramids, Ayers Rock, the South Pole and Mauna Kea. I'd also like to play Pebble Beach and St. Andrew's. The Kremlin would be worth a trip to Russia. But if I spend the rest of my days in Ohio, it won't be a huge disappointment. I have learned enough to know that there is no place like home.

Travels last year took me to Foxborough, Massachusetts, Toronto, Canada and Las Vegas, Nevada. Toronto was all I expected it to be. It's a vibrant international city, and I'm told it's the largest city in the world in which more than half of its inhabitants are not native. Two things disappointed me about Toronto: it is expensive, and there are panhandlers everywhere you look. The airport was also a disappointment. When they recommend that you show up two hours before your flight, they are assuming that the check-in process and American customs will go smoothly. I'd recommend three hours.

Toronto is home to what used to be the tallest man-made structure in the world, the CN Tower. It dwarfs the building around it. Cities like Cleveland, Ohio could learn something from Toronto. The lake front has been beautifully developed, with marinas, walking/biking trails, and beaches.

Toronto is also home to the largest HDTV in North America (not counting the screens that can be found in football stadiums around the country). That TV hangs on a wall at the Real Sports bar, next door to the Air Canada Arena where the Toronto Maple Leafs play hockey. The Hall of Fame Game was being played in Canton, Ohio while we were there, and here is a picture of the 37-foot screen. It helps to stand about a hundred feet away to watch this television.



If only one didn't have to pay five bucks apiece for beer while watching this TV...

Sports

My boss sent this one - a look at the last century in sports. Crank up the volume and enjoy.

Traffic Signs

The summer driving season is winding down, but I'm hoping the Department of Transportation will post signs like this one every few miles along the highways of Ohio before next summer.



Or better yet, take the bus!

Believe Half of What You See...

..and apparently, none of what you hear.

I saw this on an educational channel a week or so ago, and it took me until now to find it on YouTube. This is fascinating - you know what the man is saying, but you hear it differently.

No wonder there are so many disagreements among us. Maybe we hear what we want to hear and disregard the rest? Or maybe we aren't hearing what we think we are hearing at all...reminds me of Washington, DC. Listen to me, but get it in writing!

It's known as the McGurk Effect. Watch....this!

Better Late Than Never

I am way behind, but I love the logic of this guy from the British Isles. Is that you, Yorky???

What do a jar of mayonnaise, a bag of flour, and Jello have in common?

All of them can be blown up by fireworks!

Appropriate for this Independence day weekend - check out the images from a high-speed camera.

Here's the link to the rest of the story.

My Work Here Is Done

I don't mean the Blogosphere when I say "here," rather I mean the Statehouse.

About four years ago, I started work on what would ultimately become House Bill 95, and I am happy to say that it is now the law of the land. Since last November, many people put in a lot of work toward getting this enacted, and I was one of the busiest ones. The Governor signed it on June 2, so I hope to be much less busy and occupied with legislation for a while, and more occupied with things like the farm and this blog.



I'm pretty sure I went somewhere to celebrate right after this picture was taken. All that lobbying can make a man thirsty!



Also since November, my eyes have not improved. I still see double, I still have a blind spot, and I still have a lot of distortion in my left eye. But there is good news: the ophthalmologist ran some tests on me about 10 days ago, and he is convinced that the double vision can be fixed. The apparent cause of this is muscle damage that occurred when they blocked the nerves to my eye for the surgery. Essentially, my eye is not situated properly within the orb, and by tweaking some of the muscles, they can orient it properly. The blind spot is permanent, but I'll happily endure another surgery to get rid of this double vision.

********************************************************

It was a very wet spring around here. It was the wettest April ever, and May wasn't much better. That caused some problems at Wyndanwood, which I'll describe in a later post. Once the rains slowed down, it immediately turned hot and humid, and I do not care at all for that kind of weather. We've also had a lot of severe weather due to the heat and humidity. The most recent was on Tuesday - I was working out at the farm, and as I started back for home, I heard the weather warnings. It seems we had a severe thunderstorm right before I got home. As I was unloading the truck, I walked by my flower bed and noticed that some of my irises were lying flat on the ground. Here is what I saw:



The mulch was still smoldering, so I doused it with water. This was obviously caused by a lightning strike. Note the charred ends of the iris stems. They say if you live long enough, you'll see everything, and this was a new one for me.

Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris

Today is the 71st birthday of the legendary Chuck Norris.

If you haven't studied Norrisology, you might be surprised to learn that Chuck Norris has accomplished much more than just starring in a bunch of B-rated movies and one of the worst TV shows ever created: Walker, Texas Ranger.

Here are some Chuck Norris facts...

Chuck Norris counted to infinity...twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's not pushing himself up - he's pushing the world down.

Chuck Norris wasn't born - he just got tired of wearing his mother,

The "Black Eyed Peas" used to be known simply as "The Peas" - until they met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the earth a billion years ago - and it's still spinning.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars - and that's why there are no signs of life on Mars.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Happy birthday, Chuck!

Blindness, Parts 1 and 2

Blindness, Part 1

More than five week have passed since the retinal surgery, and my vision is still not back. That's the bad news. The good news is that the surgeon thinks the problem is with the sutures. They take about two months to dissolve, and until they do, the light won't focus properly. I have my next appointment in mid-January, by which time I should see improvement. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Blindness, Part 2



I made the mistake of reading a book called Blindness, by Portuguese writer Jose Saramago while recovering from eye surgery, and I don't know if the translator took liberties with the translation, and does the Portuguese language have fewer grammatical rules than English?, but it took some time to adjust to the writing style. Why? Because there are run-on sentences and no paragraph breaks to speak of and punctuation was sorely lacking but once one adjusts to these things the book is quite enjoyable. Enjoyable in an excruciating kind of way and one man's joy is another man's torment, but who can tell the difference? A blindness takes over the world, starting with one man sitting at a traffic light but this is a white blindness, if such a thing can be. Can it be blindness if all one sees is white? Can so many rhetorical questions be found in any other book? No matter, as the doctor's wife would say, we all see something whether it is white or colors, and since she's the only one who can see the mess that humanity has become, yes she is the only one with vision, allegorically speaking, although others surely see things she cannot for there are many ways to see, she leads them out of the wilderness as it were to a world in which all can see which is perhaps the optimal state of mankind.

Thanksgiving 2010

Another Thanksgiving come and gone...

We had nine people over this year. Among them: my mother and Dorothy's mother, who inexplicably showed up wearing matching purple jackets. Must be something about growing up during the Great Depression that leads to a fixation with all things purple!





Of course, Bea was also our guest, and it is simply a joy watching her grow up. She came down with the childhood affliction known as "happy feet," from which I hope she never recovers.



She'll turn 2 on Saturday, so I expect to post more about her after her birthday party on Sunday. Something tells me Grandpa Sam is going to spoil her some more...

Stairway to Heaven – Climbing a 1768 ft Tower

I don't quite understand why these guys are wearing hardhats...watch it in full-screen, and don't look down!




Stairway to Heaven – Climbing a 1768 ft Tower

Life As We Know It

Graphical representations of life as we know it:

See?

I'm back from the retinal surgery...this one sure didn't go as well as the one I had last year. Although the gas bubble is dissipating more quickly, the vision is not coming back as well. As I look out of my left eye, I see everything with a yellow cast, and the world resembles the House of Mirrors. I see straight lines as bent and broken, and everything seems to fall away from me and off to the right. (Hard to describe, but not good.) This is a consequence of the detachment crossing the center of my field of vision, and the possibility that there is some damage to the macula.

Here's a nickel's worth of free advice for you: if you suddenly see a bunch of floaters appearing out of nowhere, go see your ophthalmologist. And if you see a shadow - which could look like a bubble or a curtain - crossing your field of vision, seek immediate aid. I first noticed that something was amiss two weeks ago. Large floaters suddenly appeared in my eye, and I could also make out hundreds, if not thousands, of little specks floating around (which I learned later were droplets of blood). That was on a Sunday, and I called my ophthalmologist, who met me at his office 20 minutes after we spoke on the phone. He couldn't find anything, but sent me to Midwest Retina for another look.


Hey, get that thing out of my eye!


The doctor opened the Midwest Retina office for me, but he couldn't find anything either. He told me to come back Thursday for another look, but that if I saw a shadow form, I was to call immediately.

Wednesday morning, I noticed that something had changed in my eye. There were many more floaters, and things looked cloudy out of that eye. I spotted what I thought was a large floater in the lower left of my vision, but as time passed, I realized it was not a floater. It was late afternoon before I decided I had best call Midwest Retina. The office, of course, was closed by that hour, but they put me through to the emergency service, and I explained what was happening to the doctor on call. I asked if hours were crucial in a situation like this. He said, no, but don't wait for your 2 o'clock appointment to come in tomorrow, come in first thing in the morning.

By the time I went to bed Wednesday night, the bubble in the lower left of my eye had grown so that about 25% of my vision was obscured. When I arose on Thursday, it was more like 40%, and by the time I got to see the doctor at 8 o'clock, fully half of my vision was gone. He sent me to the hospital for surgery, and as I was rolled into the operating room around 1:30, I could see only a little sliver at the top of my field of vision. As the surgeon was completing the procedure, he remarked that the detachment was more severe than he had expected, and that it was possible that the macula might have been damaged.

That bubble turned out to be the retinal detachment, and had the operation taken place several hours before it did, I would probably not have any issues right now. Forgive me if I question the statement by the doctor who told me that hours don't matter.

At my appointment on Friday, the surgeon told me there was a lot of inflammation and swelling in the eye, and that things would improve, though I shouldn't expect to have perfect vision in that eye. I will see him again in 4 weeks, at which time they'll take a CT scan and we'll go from there.

The Eyes Have It

I'll be absent for a while. I learned this morning that I have a detached retina in my left eye, and surgery is in about 2 hours. Wish me luck...again.

Jumbo Perch

We made a trip to Madison on the Lake last weekend to visit friends, and took the opportunity to go out on Lake Erie to go after some perch. The waters in the eastern part of the lake are much deeper than in the Western Basin, and the fish tend to move to the east as the weather cools, so we expected a good catch.

The waters were calm as we set out at 8 o'clock in the morning. Unfortunately, the winds picked up through the morning, so that by about 11 o'clock, we were bouncing around in 3 foot waves. It's very difficult to feel the perch bite in those conditions, so we gave up around noon - but not before we had 30-some perch in the box.

I've fished a lot in the Western Basin, and the rule on my boat was that if the perch wasn't at least 7 inches long, it was to be thrown back in the lake. I know some guys who keep fish as small as 5 inches, and I just don't understand that. Those fish need another year to grow. So a typical catch would be a lot of 7 and 8 inch fish, with a few 9 or 10 inch fish generally n the mix. We've caught some 11 and 12 inch perch, but those are rare in the west.

I'm happy to say that the perch we caught last week were good sized fish. There was probably one 7 incher in the box, but most were in the 10 to 12 inch range. The prize of the day was one I caught - it was slightly over 14 inches in length, and not only is it the largest perch I've ever caught, it is the largest perch I've ever seen. According to the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, the state record is a 2.75 pound, 14 1/2 inch yellow perch taken from Lake Erie by Charles Thomas of Lorain, Ohio on April 17, 1984. We didn't weigh my fish, but that record puts my catch into context.

For comparison, the perch in the lower left of this picture was an 8 incher. We'll plan another trip next fall - perch like this are just too hard to pass up.

More Chalk

This fascinates me. The man spends many hours creating these chalk drawings, only to have them washed away or eroded within hours or days.

His time might be better spent going to Scotty's for a Porkanopolois!

Porkanopolis

I have not been around for a while, and I need to leave for Toledo in about 8 hours, but I need to post this.

A few miles south of Defiance, Ohio, on Route 111, is a barbecue place known as Scotty's. I had dinner there Monday night with some friends, and I was intrigued by one of the "signature" sandwiches: The Porkanopolis. This sandwich is composed of a half-pound sausage patty covered by a half pound of pulled pork, topped with a fried onion ring, into which is stuffed some cole slaw, over which is poured barbecue sauce, all of which is put into a large sesame seed bun. I had a side of curly fries to complete the meal.



I'm one of those people who tries to maintain a balanced diet. I'll drink several cups of coffee in the morning, but I'll also try to have a glass of fruit juice or some fresh fruit to go along with it. During the week, I usually have a salad for lunch, with more fresh fruit for dessert. The evenings are for pizza and beef and bacon (which goes well with EVERYTHING), but I don't go overboard with any of it. I subscribe to the Ben Franklin philosophy of well-being: all things in moderation.

After I ate this monstrosity, Scotty (the owner) came to our table and told us that he was working on an improved sandwich, which would include everything that is on the Porkanopolis, but would be supplemented with a half-pound ground beef patty, curly fries on top of the onion ring, and a dousing of cheese sauce before the slathering of barbecue sauce.

I think I'll pass on this one. The Porkanopolis was good, but I felt so bad about having eaten it, that the next morning I actually had a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I haven't had oatmeal for breakfast in probably 30 years. And if I eat any more Porkanopolis sandwiches, I'm not likely to be around in another 30 years.